Info-Leeches and other E-Invertebrates

We’ve all been there. That long, seemingly endless drought
during which time you get no play. No action. No sweet lovin’.
The dating life is mediocre, and you’ve got no prospects. But as
we’ve proven time and time again, we’re a resourceful bunch.
Many take matters into their own hands. In the Appalachians,
many fall into the arms of a sexy sibling. But there’s a number
of us that decide to try… ‘Friends with benefits.’

Yeah, that old song. You start workin’ your mojo on your
friends. And try to stay friends. And, it usually ends in
disaster.

FWB finds its origins in some breakup many years ago. The guy,
sick of all her crap yet still lusting for her body, voiced a
proposal. An agreement, if you will. Sex without relationship
complications. Totally need-based, not emotion based like what
those other suckers are doing. Just for a little while. It’s the
perfect plan. Kinda like a severance package for his package,
until it finds ‘new employment.’

The mistake didn’t lie in the idea. Because people come up with
stupid ideas every day. And trying to have sex with your ex
isn’t exactly original. The mistake, my friends, is that she
agreed to it. So opened a new loophole for commitment-phobes
everywhere. Sex with no strings. The multiple-night-stand.

The ‘friends with benefits.’

In later years, FWB made way for other dating loophole
innovations like Revenge Sex and the Booty Call. But I digress.

So there you are, still complaining about not being able to find
someone special, but now with a big grin on your face. Why? You
gettin’ sum.

In order for the FWB plan to work, there must be rules in place.
You must both be single. You’re probably not getting any from
anyone else, otherwise you wouldn’t be looking for FWB. You
can’t get emotionally attached, jealous, needy, or any of that
crap. You probably try to keep it a secret, too. And, most of
all, you can’t let it interfere with your (our your friend’s)
dating life. You know what? With all those rules, it starts to
sound an awfully lot like a…uhm…what’s it called? A
relationship. Or worse, a JOB.

Anyway, in theory, it’s like finding a gold mine. Pack up the
wagon, Ma, you’re a free sex 49er. You can’t believe that you’re
the only one who thought of this. No anniversaries to remember,
no hearts and flowers, no explaining where you were Friday
night, you’re in heaven. But like the great gold rush, you never
know when it’s all gonna run out.

Disaster comes into play when one of the two friends in the
agreement is harboring a crush. Only one. And think about it
folks, any friend who would just up and agree to start having
casual yet semi-exclusive sex with you has to have an agenda of
their own. (The fact that they look at you and lick their lips
is a give-away too.) Chances are they not be fully aware of it
themselves. This accounts for 90% of the FWB files. So, when the
drought is over, and the emergency FWB rations can be put away,
that pre-existing crush is enough to cause BIG (yet sudden to
you) jealousy. The casualty? Your platonic, un-awkward, normal
friendship.

That’s assuming you’re good. And compatible in bed.

Which leads to another kind of disaster. What if you don’t click
in bed? What if you chicken out as soon as they get naked? What
if you end up laying there saying ‘what the hell did we just
do?’ What if you can’t finish? What if you can’t even get
started? These are things that start to mess with confidence and
self-esteem. And make for an awkward game of Scrabble next time
you two are hanging out alone. Assuming that you’re even able to
hang out alone after that point.

Then there are the resentment issues. Eventually, someone will
start to feel like the other person’s libido band-aid. Because
sex without all the lovey-dovey relationship-type stuff leaves
you a lot of time to think about what you just did, especially
when your lover just jumped up to play a video game or to call
the guy she’s really interested in.

It’s rare to find someone mature enough to have continuous sex
with someone and not develop feelings for them. It’s even more
rare to find someone who can deal with those feelings if and
when they show up. In the end, you’ve got awkwardness, jealousy,
resentment, and all the other things that can stop a
relationship in its tracks. And guess what, Chachi, a friendship
is a relationship. And it sucks worse than the relationship that
got you into this mess, because you can end up losing a lover
AND a friend.

So in trying to avoid Melrose Place drama, you backpedal your
way into 90210. You’re stuck. You’re alone. And the booty
train’s done left the station without you.

In the end, you ain’t boinkin’ like a rabbit, and you ain’t no
friend o’ mine.

But sometimes, you look over at that other person and realize
that you’re having sex with someone you like to hang out with.
Who likes all the same stuff you do. Who knows all your secrets
and still wants to hang out with you. Sometimes, they realize it
too. Then things work out.

Except in the Appalachians. Dude, she’s your sister. That’s just
nasty.

That’s the rant.

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